sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
