We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
