i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
