I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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