4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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