I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dick very happy bro
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
