life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
