I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
