Don't make out with my wife yet
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
