I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
