Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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