God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
