I wannas sexs uuuuu
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
