I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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