i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
