I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
