you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
