Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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