dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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