Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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