after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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