You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
