im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
