Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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