I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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