There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
