I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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