I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
