i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
