It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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