at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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