Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
