I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
