She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
