Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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