i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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