I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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