she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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