I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You ruined the universe
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
