i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
