I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Randomize
