I got her a Nickelback box set.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
