he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
