Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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