ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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