you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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