An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
