That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
