My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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