Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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