the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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